I Cannot Live Without You

The Test of Obedience

Sometimes we get so caught up with our life, that we forget that God exist. We get so comfortable in our way of life, that we lose our passion and zeal for Christ. Just because He has promised that He will not leave us, nor forsake us, we start to take Him for granted. And when we stop valuing Him, it becomes necessary for Him to show us who He is and what we are if He is not in our life.

Have you ever given a thought about this; “what if God is not in our life? How will our life be, if He leaves us. As such we have made Him invisible, so what if He truly disappears. If you take God out of your perfect family picture, will you miss Him? Will His inexistence trouble you? Take a moment and think over it.

I cannot imagine living without Him, not that I have never offended Him, but because I have already experienced this and will never even for a second want to face it again in my life.

When I turned 24 my mum started getting worried over my marriage. And like evey mother does, she began to look out for a suitable Bohri groom for me. Now for those who don’t know me, I come from a Muslim ( Bohri) family where I am the only one who has accepted Christ as my personal Savior. By the way this was after my baptism, my parents knew about this and my mum was on edge, with that she was all the more in a hurry to get me married off to a rich Bohri guy.

At that moment I was totally cool about it. So far either my mum didn’t like the boys or they rejected me. So I took it lightly. But my peace was short-lived. And it’s quite obvious that this is not going to last like this forever, but I failed to realize this. I was like the foolish virgins, Jesus spoke about in his parable, who were on their way to get oil when the bridegroom arrived. This was my position. You must always be prepared, especially for the unexpected, especially for things to be delayed or to go wrong. Carelessness has consequences. And I had to pay for this.

Trouble came when my mum liked one of the Bohri guy and he liked me. Now what? I was totally unprepared for this. I had to race my mind for a solution and Ta-da!!  I got one, I told mum that you know I am not going to leave Christ and it would be wrong to hide it from him so before we proceed further I would like to tell him the truth. Now I thought that when he learns this he will definitely say a No. So since mum permitted me I went and told him on my next date. And as I had hoped for, he said, “ It’s alright with me”. What!! Now I was in a fix. I didn’t knew what to do so I ran to my discipler Aunty Shobha to inform her what had cropped up. She suggested “ Why not bring him to church, when he sees your involvement he will certainly say No.” Yippee.. Now that’s a great idea. So without delay I invited him to church and he agreed to come. And to my delight when he saw me during the praise and worship raising my hands and worshipping Christ he just left without saying a word. This was it.

Next day his mum called and guess what she said, “ We have no problem with your daughter going to church, it is a Yes from our end”. When I heard that, I felt time stand still, my knees went weak and I did’nt know what to do next.

As days passed by I decided to give him a try. I knew bible urges not to be unequally yolked, but at that moment it seemed alright. The boy is good-looking, well settled, has broad-minded family, they have no objection to my going to church, my parents are happy; what else do I need. The day I decided to tell him Yes I was in the train going to work at andheri. And no sooner had I convinced myself about my decision, I felt a voice telling me, “Are You ready to have a life without me”. I felt a pang in my heart. I was so numb that I couldn’t even hear the loud chatter of women in my compartment. And suddenly these voices started swirling through my mind. “ What if after marriage they stop you from going to church”, “they don’t allow you to pray”, “what if they say No to Christ”, Then what? I am stuck for ever. “What will happen if time comes when I have to chose between my husband and Christ” .

Suddenly I felt something warm over my cheeks and I realized I was crying, ladies in the train were staring at me but I simply couldn’t stop them. I was overwhelmed and I felt my heart being squeezed when I started thinking, “how will my life be without Christ.” I had got so used to having Him by my side always that I never presumed living without him. And instantly fear gripped me, all I could see was darkness. There was only 15 minutes left before I arrive at my station Andheri, but that day it seemed like it would never come.

Bible says in Psalm 23:4 ”Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.”

My life seemed meaningless, everything seemed of no importance – money, status, comfort, all that this marriage would give me didn’t make any sense to me if Christ is not in that. And my heart cried, “whom will I call in my times of trouble, whose hand will I hold when I fall down, who will lift me when I fail and break down, whose reassurance will I live on that He died so that I could live guilt free, what will I do when I cry out and He will not answer me. In the still of the night, in a moment of inner clarity, whom will I call, who will I pray to, who would know me intimately as Jesus does? Who will really care and wipe away my tears?” And I realized I am nothing without Jesus. My life is a incomplete picture without Jesus in it. There will be only emptiness and loneliness which cannot be substituted.

And I cried out to Him, “I cannot Live Without You”, at once my heart was filled with peace, Peace that bible says passes all understanding had covered me and at that very moment Fear left me. I was at Peace. I have never felt so relived, so alive and so happy in my life(other than my marriage day of course, but that was yet to come.) And later that evening, my parents told that boy “No”. I had not done anything to change their minds, God took care of it. 

Finally God blessed me with a Perfect Life Partner, and after few months was our marriage - the beginning of a sweet journey with my sweetheart, Sushant.

When I look back all I can say is, "All things work together for good to those who love God."