“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” – Tom Robbins
I write this
article as a reminder to myself, whatever I do, do it out of love. And not keep score or expect anything in return. Love is about doing what you can to make your partner happy, because it makes you happy to see them happy.
A long and lasting love
Is what I've always dreamed of
And when I look into your eyes
I knew I'd really seen love
A long and lasting love
A long and lasting love
We share for many reasons
A special bond
That goes beyond the changing of the seasons
A long and lasting love
But what does it take to sustain a strong, long-lasting connection? Here's some of what we've learned:
One of the thing
we have been doing is to never go to bed angry at each other. Because of what I
have observed in our life is that if we have had an argument just before going
to sleep and have not resolved the issue we were struggling with, it harms the
strength of the relationship with my
hubby in the long run. So we see to make peace before we go to bed because the
fight doesn’t define my relationship. And what is more important than peace and
love after all?
Hugs and
kisses
I am not talking
about sex here. We hold hands. Give one another a hug for no reason. Kiss each
other good night every single night – no matter what. We start the day with a
kiss and end it with a kiss. When we walk by one another, we brush against each
other. Surprising him with a hug behind the back or a nice kiss after a long
day at work. Unknowingly throughout our day we have some sort of physical
contact which is helping to hold the marriage together and helps us show each
other we are in a committed, loving relationship.
I can’t deny
the benefits of hugging in marriage: When I hug my spouse, I am communicating
non-verbally. I am transmitting eloquent and sublime messages like:
You’re the
most important person in my life and I’ love’ you;
Whatever your
problem is, I’ll be there for you every step of the way;
You’re
attractive, you light up my fire;
I feel serene
being with you, thank you for being not only a spouse but also a friend;
I appreciate
all the things you do for me;
You and I are
special; it’s you and me against the world;
You fill me
with love and faith; you make me drunk with happiness;
I trust you;
I accept you
and everything about you: your wrinkled pajamas, your high acidity and your
propensity for Cricket;
You make me
feel so young;
I’m the
luckiest person in the world because I have you.
Also Hugging
produces positive brain waves and reduces stress and anxiety levels. Hugs and
kisses are scientifically proven to stimulate the release of the hormone
oxytocin which gives us the feelings of strong connection and intimacy.
Sharing
interests
When it comes
to our relationships, what gets us close to each other are our shared
interests. They are not really complex but are as simple as appreciating
cuddling time while watching a movie or preparing the dinner together. Also,
seeking for new stuff (God, Bible, House hunt etc) we like doing together.
Appreciation
It has been my
struggle to focus on the positive sides in the relationship rather than the
flaws. There are so many times when I had preferred pointing out the faults in him
instead of showing his appreciation for me. But I realized that fully accepting
the other person along with their imperfections is what love is all about. And
personal prayer time/meditation on Bible time has helped me overcome this
habit.
Bedtime
routine
It is a habit
of ours to head to the bedroom together no matter if just one of us intends to
go to sleep or both. The night time Prayer routine is very important. By creating
a “sacred time” just before going to bed has strengthen the loving bond and
help us become more intimate and open to each other.
The magic of
the small things
In the crush
of my busy life, I sometimes swoop past an opportunity to pay a sincere
compliment to my husband or offer to take care of a task you know he hates.
One day I
realized that the small things in life were actually not that small at all.
Sometimes even his smallest deed made me really happy. His helping me in preparing
the dinner when guest are expected, and cleaning the house coz I am really
tired, Or letting me take short nap while he takes care of the kids or washing
the dishes or keeping all his assignments aside when I am sick. Ah! The list
doesn’t end. Am I blessed or am I blessed. And these small things show his love
and care for me and that he would do anything to make me smile.
Sharing
feelings
The day we entered
our relationship we had agreed to express our true feelings rather than hiding
them. Even if we don’t agree on every single thing it helped us to understand each
other’s point of view and appreciate their way of thinking. Because we know each
other’s way of thinking it helps me to stop the rush to tell him how crazy he
is to think a particular way and hurt his feelings which can lead to him
closing himself and not willing to share his emotions or opinions again.
Trust
Mutual trust
is a must for a happy relationship. By showing each other our appreciation,
support and confidence in their abilities strengthens our bond especially in
difficult times. Never forget that trust is the foundation of a strong
relationship.
Be honest
about money.
Instead of
leaving one person completely in charge of the finances, we made sure that it
is something the two of us work on together. There have been tough times, but
it’s a lot easier to handle tough times when we
are both aware, and honest about financial issues. And, because two of us had
realistic financial expectations when we began our married life it wasn’t
important for us to own the nicest home in the neighborhood and drive the
nicest car. In fact, we lived below our means a little bit and still found more
ways to keep the romance alive.
It is almost a
ritual, the moment he comes home from work I make sure that I leave whatever
work I am doing and if possible finish my job before he comes, so that I hug
him kiss him and spend time listening to him.
The kids also
know that this is mum –dad’s “me” time. I keep this time for their TV, so that
they do not trouble us. This is the time where we share how the two of us spent
their day. We sit down facing each other. First he talks while I simply listens
– without responding – and then repeats what he said. To validate his saying
and show interest in him.
During this
time we make our bedroom a device-free zone. No surfing Facebook, Instagram,
Pinterest, or Twitter when I am spending that time with him.
Because there
came a time when we were focused on gadgets and not on each other. Our gadget was
stealing the joy to provide happiness and fond memories. Even though we get the
urge to have a quick glance we do not let our phone seduce us into neglecting each
other when we are spending time to gather.
Talk to each
other.
If I am mad at
my hubby, I say so! Right away instead of holding it in.
If my hubby makes me
happy – then I tell him he made me happy.
If he has hurt my feelings, rather
than trying to hide my feelings – I prefer to be honest about it.
Tell him
straight out, “You hurt my feelings!” Instead of mincing my words when we talk
to one another I make sure that my hubby always knows how I feel.
Because over
the years I have realized that the worst thing I can do is allow a bunch of
arguments and pensive feelings to build up and become some huge monumental deal
breaker in our relationship. If you deal with things, one at a time, and
commit to a communication style of honesty and straight forwardness – your
relationship will fare much better through the years.
“Contempt
comes about when you harbor resentment that you’ve never worked through,”
Boteach says.
These negative attitudes creep into marriage when we get frustrated with each
other – usually by unrealistic, idealistic expectations, ideas, and myths about
marriage
There have
been times when after my 1st baby I had become Cranky.
And if I had a
bad day I would use that as an excuse for picking a fight.
And later would feel terrible about it. Thankfully I realized that when I am
cranky and out of sorts, it’s my responsibility to be aware of that and ask him
for some extra space, or find a way to take care of yourself.
I should let
him know I had a difficult day rather than assume that he must know – he then would
indeed step up and be more thoughtful and considerate than usual.
Reflecting back on our fights I realized, I spend more time complaining about
an issue than working to resolve it. I need to watch my tone and timing. The
words I say, and the stance I take in an argument reveal about how I feel about
my hubby. And so now I make sure that I NEVER say something (or do something) I
will regret. If tensions are heated, then the best is to take a time out and
wait until the two of us simmer down to begin talking about the problems we are
facing. Words said in haste and anger are often very, very difficult to
apologize for later.
These are fighting-fair
guidelines: also
Read here how to defuse and argument
Don’t try to
be right; instead, try to solve the problem
Consider your partner’s point of view
Solve one
problem at a time
Don’t bring up
past issues
Avoid personal
attacks and criticism
Don’t use
power tactics like guilt, threats and emotional blackmail
And after an argument or disagreement we now don’t avoid each other. Rather hug him tightly and apologize for my
share. Because if there isn’t some sort of apology, we can wind up rehashing
the same argument over and over again
Letting someone
come between you and your spouse
Even though I
am close to my mum, I draw a line when it comes to my priorities. When you get
married, you’re starting your own family – and your spouse comes first.
After marriage,
we had mutually decided I and my hubby become primary family.
We had discussed
on how to set boundaries with each other’s parents and family members. Since
our families have different styles and traditions, it was necessary to negotiate
with each other first, then present a united front.
And after kids
I had to be careful to not neglect my husband in favor of our child. Children
get security from seeing their parents get along. So we make sure that we always
present a united front, and if there’s something we don’t agree upon, not to undermine
my hubby in front of your child.
Humor
My hubby keeps
a sense of humor alive in our relationship without being too sarcastic with and
actually hurt my feelings making me insecure. A mutual humorous outlook is
cultivated with respect.
Have sex.
Intimacy is
the glue that holds a union together.
Seriously! Sex
doesn’t have to be good, it doesn’t have to be long, and it doesn’t have to
achieve an orgasm every time you do it. It just has to happen. Often. At least
once a week. Sometimes we become so lazy, and start seeing sex as some sort of
venue to play out our relationship resentments. Bottom line is this. If you
cease to have sex your partner, or withhold sex as a means of punishment, or
don’t make the time for sex (C’mon, how long does it take to have a quickie?),
your relationship IS GOING TO SUFFER. Sex is important, and it should exist in
a married relationship in a way that pleases both parties. Sex shouldn’t be a
chore, and it certainly shouldn’t be the sand where battle lines are drawn.
Once you stop having sex, everything else in your relationship is harder to
work out.
Taking care of
myself.
I make sure to
eat right, exercise and do things to make myself happy. I also make sure to
continue to put effort into my appearance and personality. Never stop working
on YOU….The most attractive people are the people that love and respect
themselves.
