“Getting to the Heart of Behavior”
We all know I am a YELLER! I admit it loud and clear.
That doesn’t mean I like it and it doesn’t mean I am not always trying to make
the change to stop yelling.
The kids are arguing.
The kids aren’t doing what I asked them to.
The kids aren’t listening.
The kids are being too loud.
The kids are being too rambunctious.
The kids… the kids… the kids…
Do
you see the problem with those statements like I do? The focus is on the
kids. The focus is on what the kids are doing that I don’t like. Where am I in
this scenario? What am I doing? How am I involved in what is going in?
The
answer. I am usually not close to them. I am usually busy in the kitchen,
on the phone, on the other side of the other room, on the couch, with the baby…
you name it… I am not near them.
For
the last week, I have been trying this out. Instead of repeating myself over
and over again, instead of yelling across the room, and instead of putting
the blame on the children… I have been moving closer.
When
the kids start to get ramped up, instead
of yelling from across the room to settle down… I get closer.
When
the kids are starting to argue, instead
of yelling above their voices to get along… I get closer.
When
the kids are ignoring my requests, instead
of yelling my request louder… I get closer.
I make sure
they hear me. I make sure I am helping them through their problems. I make sure
I am there for them.
Guess what?
90% of the
time this has worked for me. When I remember to use this simple tip first,
chances are the yelling doesn’t happen. Chances are, I can keep the peace in
our home and not let things spiral out of control.
But here it
is very important that you are not focusing solely on behavior, for you will
discover later that you were only “mowing weeds”. And merely “mowing” instead of digging deeper
into the heart behind it will not be helpful over the long run.
“Parenting
only behavior is like mowing weeds. The weeds blend in with the grass for a
time, but ultimately mowing them only causes them to come back bigger and
stronger.”
The
following are the Behavior Management (Short cuts) we do but should not do:
1. Shame
2. Guilt
3. Threat
(fear of punishment)
4.
Manipulation (withholding approval)
5. Bribe
The
following are the 6 Heart Questions we should be focusing on:
1. What was
going on? (Facts)
2. What were
you thinking & feeling? (Heart)
3. What did
you do? (Behavior)
4. Why did
you do it? (Motive)
5. What was
the result? (Outcome)
6. Who is
most important to you right now? Who are
you loving most? (Worship)
[We donʼt do this
with our children because we donʼt do it with ourselves.]
And remember
that every time when you take moments of parenting and make it about you...
1. Youʼll miss
moments of teaching and make them moments of anger
2. Youʼll personalize
and take offense
3. Youʼll move from
advocate to adversary
4. Youʼll take
short cuts.
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