Long And Lasting Love (once In A Lifetime)

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” – Tom Robbins

I write this article as a reminder to myself,  whatever I do, do it out of love. And not keep score or expect anything in return. Love is about doing what you can to make your partner happy, because it makes you happy to see them happy.

A long and lasting love

Is what I've always dreamed of

And when I look into your eyes

I knew I'd really seen love

A long and lasting love

A long and lasting love

We share for many reasons

A special bond

That goes beyond the changing of the seasons

A long and lasting love 

But what does it take to sustain a strong, long-lasting connection? Here's some of what we've learned:

Going to sleep at peace

One of the thing we have been doing is to never go to bed angry at each other. Because of what I have observed in our life is that if we have had an argument just before going to sleep and have not resolved the issue we were struggling with, it harms the strength of the relationship with  my hubby in the long run. So we see to make peace before we go to bed because the fight doesn’t define my relationship. And what is more important than peace and love after all?

Hugs and kisses

I am not talking about sex here. We hold hands. Give one another a hug for no reason. Kiss each other good night every single night – no matter what. We start the day with a kiss and end it with a kiss. When we walk by one another, we brush against each other. Surprising him with a hug behind the back or a nice kiss after a long day at work. Unknowingly throughout our day we have some sort of physical contact which is helping to hold the marriage together and helps us show each other we are in a committed, loving relationship.

I can’t deny the benefits of hugging in marriage: When I hug my spouse, I am communicating non-verbally. I am transmitting eloquent and sublime messages like:

You’re the most important person in my life and I’ love’ you;

Whatever your problem is, I’ll be there for you every step of the way;

You’re attractive, you light up my fire;

I feel serene being with you, thank you for being not only a spouse but also a friend;

I appreciate all the things you do for me;

You and I are special; it’s you and me against the world;

You fill me with love and faith; you make me drunk with happiness;

I trust you;

I accept you and everything about you: your wrinkled pajamas, your high acidity and your propensity for Cricket;

You make me feel so young;

I’m the luckiest person in the world because I have you.

Also Hugging produces positive brain waves and reduces stress and anxiety levels. Hugs and kisses are scientifically proven to stimulate the release of the hormone oxytocin which gives us the feelings of strong connection and intimacy.

Sharing interests

When it comes to our relationships, what gets us close to each other are our shared interests. They are not really complex but are as simple as appreciating cuddling time while watching a movie or preparing the dinner together. Also, seeking for new stuff (God, Bible, House hunt etc) we like doing together.

Appreciation

It has been my struggle to focus on the positive sides in the relationship rather than the flaws. There are so many times when I had preferred pointing out the faults in him instead of showing his appreciation for me. But I realized that fully accepting the other person along with their imperfections is what love is all about. And personal prayer time/meditation on Bible time has helped me overcome this habit.

Bedtime routine

It is a habit of ours to head to the bedroom together no matter if just one of us intends to go to sleep or both. The night time Prayer routine is very important. By creating a “sacred time” just before going to bed has strengthen the loving bond and help us become more intimate and open to each other.

The magic of the small things

In the crush of my busy life, I sometimes swoop past an opportunity to pay a sincere compliment to my husband or offer to take care of a task you know he hates. 

One day I realized that the small things in life were actually not that small at all. Sometimes even his smallest deed made me really happy. His helping me in preparing the dinner when guest are expected, and cleaning the house coz I am really tired, Or letting me take short nap while he takes care of the kids or washing the dishes or keeping all his assignments aside when I am sick. Ah! The list doesn’t end. Am I blessed or am I blessed. And these small things show his love and care for me and that he would do anything to make me smile.

Sharing feelings

The day we entered our relationship we had agreed to express our true feelings rather than hiding them. Even if we don’t agree on every single thing it helped us to understand each other’s point of view and appreciate their way of thinking. Because we know each other’s way of thinking it helps me to stop the rush to tell him how crazy he is to think a particular way and hurt his feelings which can lead to him closing himself and not willing to share his emotions or opinions again.

Trust

Mutual trust is a must for a happy relationship. By showing each other our appreciation, support and confidence in their abilities strengthens our bond especially in difficult times. Never forget that trust is the foundation of a strong relationship.

Be honest about money.

Instead of leaving one person completely in charge of the finances, we made sure that it is something the two of us work on together. There have been tough times, but it’s a lot easier to handle tough times when we are both aware, and honest about financial issues. And, because two of us had realistic financial expectations when we began our married life it wasn’t important for us to own the nicest home in the neighborhood and drive the nicest car. In fact, we lived below our means a little bit and still found more ways to keep the romance alive.

Spend Quality time together.

It is almost a ritual, the moment he comes home from work I make sure that I leave whatever work I am doing and if possible finish my job before he comes, so that I hug him kiss him and spend time listening to him.

The kids also know that this is mum –dad’s “me” time. I keep this time for their TV, so that they do not trouble us. This is the time where we share how the two of us spent their day. We sit down facing each other. First he talks while I simply listens – without responding – and then repeats what he said. To validate his saying and show interest in him.

During this time we make our bedroom a device-free zone. No surfing Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, or Twitter when I am spending that time with him.

Because there came a time when we were focused on gadgets and not on each other. Our gadget was stealing the joy to provide happiness and fond memories. Even though we get the urge to have a quick glance we do not let our phone seduce us into neglecting each other when we are spending time to gather.

Talk to each other.

If I am mad at my hubby, I say so! Right away instead of holding it in. 

If my hubby makes me happy – then I tell him he made me happy. 

If he has hurt my feelings, rather than trying to hide my feelings – I prefer to be honest about it. 

Tell him straight out, “You hurt my feelings!” Instead of mincing my words when we talk to one another I make sure that my hubby always knows how I feel.

Because over the years I have realized that the worst thing I can do is allow a bunch of arguments and pensive feelings to build up and become some huge monumental deal breaker in our relationship. If you deal with things, one at a time, and commit to a communication style of honesty and straight forwardness – your relationship will fare much better through the years.

“Contempt comes about when you harbor resentment that you’ve never worked through,” Boteach says.

These negative attitudes creep into marriage when we get frustrated with each other – usually by unrealistic, idealistic expectations, ideas, and myths about marriage

Fight fair.

There have been times when after my 1st baby I had become Cranky.

And if I had a bad day I would use that as an excuse for picking a fight.

And later would feel terrible about it. Thankfully I realized that when I am cranky and out of sorts, it’s my responsibility to be aware of that and ask him for some extra space, or find a way to take care of yourself.

I should let him know I had a difficult day rather than assume that he must know – he then would indeed step up and be more thoughtful and considerate than usual.

Reflecting back on our fights I realized, I spend more time complaining about an issue than working to resolve it. I need to watch my tone and timing. The words I say, and the stance I take in an argument reveal about how I feel about my hubby. And so now I make sure that I NEVER say something (or do something) I will regret. If tensions are heated, then the best is to take a time out and wait until the two of us simmer down to begin talking about the problems we are facing. Words said in haste and anger are often very, very difficult to apologize for later.

These are fighting-fair guidelines: also Read here how to defuse and argument

Don’t try to be right; instead, try to solve the problem

Consider your partner’s point of view

Solve one problem at a time

Don’t bring up past issues

Avoid personal attacks and criticism

Don’t use power tactics like guilt, threats and emotional blackmail

And after an argument or disagreement we now don’t avoid each other.  Rather hug him tightly and apologize for my share. Because if there isn’t some sort of apology, we can wind up rehashing the same argument over and over again

Letting someone come between you and your spouse

Even though I am close to my mum, I draw a line when it comes to my priorities. When you get married, you’re starting your own family – and your spouse comes first. 

After marriage, we had mutually decided I and my hubby become primary family.

We had discussed on how to set boundaries with each other’s parents and family members. Since our families have different styles and traditions, it was necessary to negotiate with each other first, then present a united front.

And after kids I had to be careful to not neglect my husband in favor of our child. Children get security from seeing their parents get along. So we make sure that we always present a united front, and if there’s something we don’t agree upon, not to undermine my hubby in front of your child.

Humor

My hubby keeps a sense of humor alive in our relationship without being too sarcastic with and actually hurt my feelings making me insecure. A mutual humorous outlook is cultivated with respect.

Have sex.

Intimacy is the glue that holds a union together.

Seriously! Sex doesn’t have to be good, it doesn’t have to be long, and it doesn’t have to achieve an orgasm every time you do it. It just has to happen. Often. At least once a week. Sometimes we become so lazy, and start seeing sex as some sort of venue to play out our relationship resentments. Bottom line is this. If you cease to have sex your partner, or withhold sex as a means of punishment, or don’t make the time for sex (C’mon, how long does it take to have a quickie?), your relationship IS GOING TO SUFFER. Sex is important, and it should exist in a married relationship in a way that pleases both parties. Sex shouldn’t be a chore, and it certainly shouldn’t be the sand where battle lines are drawn. Once you stop having sex, everything else in your relationship is harder to work out.

Taking care of myself.

I make sure to eat right, exercise and do things to make myself happy. I also make sure to continue to put effort into my appearance and personality. Never stop working on YOU….The most attractive people are the people that love and respect themselves.

Read here what the Scripture says about Lasting Love